What Is Self-Care?

Sheet masks and ice cream aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay.

This morning a coworker asked me “What is self-care?” and I admit I found myself at a loss. It would be easier, I told him, to define what isn’t self-care, but even that is going to come in different shades for different people.

At its core, self-care is the act of putting yourself and your needs ahead of what other individuals or circumstances may be asking of you. (If that sounds selfish, don’t worry, we’ll get to that.) Self-care is making time to pause in the midst of the day-to-day rat race and to be actively present in the moment in order to do what brings you joy, peace, and security. There is, for better or worse, no one-size-fits-all approach to self-care. And that’s both good news and bad news.

The good news is that no one else can tell you what self-care should look like for you. The bad news, if you’re just getting started on a mental health journey and looking for instruction, is that no one else can tell you what self-care should look like for you. Don’t get me wrong, lots of people are out there with well intentioned advice — sit and meditate. go for a walk. go to bed early. sleep in. have a glass of wine. don’t be pressured to drink alcohol — but in the end, you’re going to have to do some work to figure out what works best for you at this point in your life.

Here are a few exercises I recommend to help you look inward and learn what to prioritize for your own self-care:

Moments of Delight

I’m a journaler. I’m a writer before I’m anything else, so of course I’m a journaler when it comes to working out what I’m feeling. And when I recommend journaling, the most common thing I hear in response is “but I’m not a writer.” So first off, if you’re picturing blank notebook pages and already backing away in horror, allow me to present the journaling option with the fewest words involved.

Related to gratitude journaling, you might see this discussed in bullet journaling circles as Year in Pixels (or month, or week, or timeframe of your choice), where you fill in squares on the grid. I’ve seen people stencil or doodle shapes. The first time I completed this exercise was in Silk+Sonder’s May ‘23 journal, theme Delight, where it was a gumball machine. Whether you use a pre-made template or free-form your own, the idea is the same.

Make yourself a short list of no more than 5 or 6 small self-care practices or habits you think you’d like to build into your routines, and color code your list with your favorite set of markers or pens. Then, every time one of these comes up in your day, you color in a space for it. (I like to reflect back on the previous day as part of my morning routine, but my cohort Natasha is an evening journaler. If you’re worried about not remembering each instance, especially if you cannot journal every day, try snapping a picture on your phone to review later.) Give this exercise some time to build a picture of what really shows up in your day, what you’re struggling with, and what maybe isn’t working for you at all.

You can pair this exercise with mood tracking for an even more comprehensive look at what practices are serving you best, and then focus on the habits and self-care practices that are giving you the biggest emotional boost.

Guided Journal Prompts

Ready to get a little more in depth and wordy? Instead of a blank journal, grab something like Passion Planner, Silk+Sonder, or The Hero’s Journal (this one’s new to me, I’m only just checking it out as a sample). Make yourself a cup of your favorite hot beverage, put on a soothing playlist, and sit down to consider some of their prompting questions, such as “What accomplishments are you proud of?”, “When do you feel the most confident about yourself?”, or “What will life look like in three months if you don’t take on this adventure?”

If you look at my journals, you’ll see these answered in full sentences. It’s my way of releasing my inner monologue and turning it into a dialog when I need to work something out. But please, don’t take this to mean that this is the only way to tackle a journal prompt. If you don’t consider yourself much of a writer, or if your personal inner monologue doesn’t exist as complete sentences, well, just put down whatever words, phrases, or images come to mind. While I write in full sentences, one thing I like to do is use my Tombow Dual Brush Pens to put my key words and phrases in a bolder, more colorful ‘type’ as it were. Got some stickers that express how you’re feeling? Get them in there! Artist? Sketch out your thoughts!

One thing I like about Silk+Sonder especially is that they encourage this kind of freeform journaling by not printing any lines on some of their journaling pages. Because even as a writer myself, I recognize that the writing aspect of journaling isn’t the important part; the important part is simply getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper where you can review them, process, and work through them to a solution. The important part is simply making that time to focus on yourself, to do something for yourself, no matter how you do it.

Okay, I’m ready to do my self-care!

…Now what?

So we’ve identified what makes us feel those moments of joy and we’ve picked a habit we want to expand upon for a self-care moment. Let’s go back to some of those tropes that we see in media so frequently: Spa days. A favorite movie and a pint of ice cream. Having a bubble bath. Opening a fresh bottle of wine — or, in my case, pouring a nice glass of scotch — and savoring a square of rich dark chocolate. What do these have in common that make them work as a trope?

If you said indulgence, well, you’re not wrong, exactly, but there’s another answer we’re looking for here. Have you got it?

That’s right. Self-care is for one single, solo self, and these are all activities that require our full attention. That’s actually one of the reasons I like the example of the scotch or wine personally; something with complex flavors is as helpful a grounding technique for me as deep breathing. In this age of connectivity, taking a bath or going out to the spa are excuses to put down our phones and disconnect for a while, making time for ourselves. And so whatever your chosen self-care activity is, the best advice I can give you is to schedule that time for yourself and protect it.

But Rae, you might be thinking, I hate being alone. Or maybe you like the idea of taking time to unplug from the surrounding world and focus on yourself, but when you are, you have trouble finding motivation to get started. This is a big one for me with ADHD. I’m pretty introverted, and the idea of shutting out the world for hours at a time sounds spectacular in theory. But in practice, actually setting aside that time to do the thing is hard when I could just lay in bed and binge watch Parks and Rec for the thousandth time; self indulgent, sure, but not necessarily the self-care that I know I need.

If this sounds like your kind of struggle, allow me to introduce you to body doubling, or the idea that it is easier for our brains to kick into gear when someone else is there to hold us accountable. So go ahead and spread the self-care love; ask a friend or partner to join you, even if only to be in the same room doing different tasks. Set aside an hour for yourself to finish that puzzle while they grab the headphones and listen to their favorite album. Instead of going for that traditional massage, consider visiting a public bath house or sauna. Looking to make the time to start journaling? Host a work-with-me Zoom or FaceTime with your accountability buddies, or take advantage of a Sonder Social to work on your monthly setup or journaling prompts with likeminded people all over the world.

Say this affirmation:

Self-care is not selfish.

So what will you be doing for self-care today? Tell me over on Instagram, and if you’re interested in starting or enhancing your journaling routines, ask me how you can get your own Silk+Sonder membership!